10 Things I Love and Hate (and Love to Hate) About French Men

A couple of nights ago, I was sitting in a restaurant with a mélange of expats and some poor Frenchies who had the misfortune of winding up in my presence. With three functioning brain cells left to rub together after days of holiday boozing, I took a receipt and started mapping out a list of reasons why the spawn of Rimbaud and Baudelaire don't seem to be doing it for me in the romantic sense.

While the original version of this document is now lost, I believe that it went somewhat like this. 

1. French men are too skinny and effeminate. Yes, we have had multiple rants on this topic, and, yes, this still remains a problem.

2. French men are cheap. While my friend correctly pointed out that I have a way of sourcing out the biggest losers, I will not be the first to notice that there is a serious deficit of chivalry in this country. After a year of living in France, my standards have plummeted to the point where I am shocked if a man offers to buy me a drink or gives up his seat in the metro for me. Can we please all agree that this is sad? Thank you. 

3. THEY COMPLAIN and bitch and complain and bitch and complain and bitch and complain about EVERYTHING. If French people stopped being so damn lazy and invested half of the time they spend complaining into actually doing something, magical things would happen. Cancer would be cured, the French economy would stop progressively going down the drain, unicorns would fly and procreate.  

4. French men cheat. At this point, my companions proudly nodded in agreement.

5. They are smelly and smoke more than Don Draper. Once again, this was attributed to my talent for "finding losers that embody every French cliché". However, I will argue in my defense and reinstate that hygiene in this country is suffering. I have two Latin American girlfriends currently in relationships with French men. Both claim that they have to regularly conduct little Hygiene 101 pep talks with their significant others, in which they explain that showing is a daily activity and that sheets occasionally need washing. 

(My hubby-in-law is an exception, apparently his nether regions smell like daffodils.)

Underneath that hat... Is a smelly story

I stopped there. A cute floppy-haired French boy was looking at me with big blue eyes and I could not continue scarring him with my jaded judgments. After all, I moved to this country - clearly, there must be something I enjoy. After much pondering, I managed to put together a list of things I appreciate about French men. 

1. They have good taste. While I am occasionally thrown off by their penchant for elaborately draped skinny scarves, I must admit that the French have an unbeatable natural elegance about them. They know their qualité and their savoir-faire and their détails and all the other nuances that the rest of the world tends to overlook. A French man does not need to be taught how to dress or set the table or pick out a bottle of wine. He has an inbred knowledge of such topics, and you are probably better off letting him make these decisions.

Case in point. (All images from You're so French Men!)

2. French men are cultured. Education and cultural growth are highly valued in France, hence people actually continue reading classical literature after high school. French men are well-rounded and as au curant about world affairs as they are about Beyonce's latests pop-up album. True, they may find the latter vulgaire, but at least they are aware of events outside of the realms of their own little universe. 

4. They love a good conversation. In fact, they have practically turned it into a national sport - what else do you think they are doing in those brasseries while sucking on their cigs? Be ready to partake in long, ponderous discussions about the disheartening state of modern society. Be ready to express eloquent, interesting opinions (preferably in French). Be ready to actually work your brain, which is quite a refreshing change from the pompous self-marketing format of conventional dating. 

4. They make time for you. The French are so obsessed with their right for free time and happiness that you will actually get to enjoy full evenings and weekends with your significant other. Not to mention August – the dude is yours for the whole month!

5. They are pretty good in bed. And while they are trying to get you into bed, they are also quite romantic. 

Now that we have 5, lets call it even. Like men of any nationality, these guys come with their quirks and perks and downfalls. In the case of French men, these qualities are simply more pungent, just like their cheese and their truffles and their armpits. So, if you happen to have a passion for fine brie, with its rich texture and moldy crust and volatile explosion of flavors, go for it. Just make sure that you have a really strong stomach first. 

Rrrrribbit (please use the French "r")